Surrendered

Because I love you

/ J / 1 Comment

The hours I’ve bounced and paced with my son snuggly tucked in my arms are teaching me something. His cries are often relentless, but so are my arms around him. Tears stain both our cheeks and I wish he could rest in what is true: I love him. I find myself telling him, “you are okay. Do you know why? Because I love you. I am going to take care of you. I won’t forget about you.” 

You are okay. Because I love you. Isn’t that what God tells us, His children? 

Motherhood expands and deepens love to the fiercest form I have ever known. As I brim with love for my son, it has awakened my heart and mind to a deeper comprehension of what it means to be a child of God. 

Our day begins in the corner of our living room. Light sprinkles through the windows onto our rug, scattered with toys. I hear a small voice, cooing and babbling, rattles and bells of objects being shaken and traded between tiny hands. I smile at him, and his delightful giggles flitter across the room. Many of my son’s wakeful hours are spent in this 4×4 area. This corner is what he knows, he has little awareness of what takes place beyond his domain. While he explores and learns, he does not comprehend the work done outside the home to earn and provide. He does not comprehend the perpetual cycle of laundry, shopping, or meal preparation that keeps him warm and fed. He is blissfully unaware of the workings around him. 

I think we too often forget God’s presence in our lives, that He is working in ways we do not comprehend. His love as our Father means He won’t forget about you. But in our distress, we often forget His arms are around us. In our contentment we carry on, as if what was placed in front of us is our own doing. To be a child of God should soften our cries and lift our eyes – tear-filled as they may be – to beaming smiles of grace. In both sorrows and blessings, He is holding us with steadfast love.

My desire for my son – to ensure his future, to be with him through all stages in life – points me to the future that God promises me. These longings are only a single note arrayed in the melody of the most beautiful symphony. As children of God, Romans 8 tells us we are God’s heirs. The significance of this is breathtaking compared to what was once our destiny. We were children of a war-torn country; orphans in a land desolate and despairing. Blood saturated the ground to remind us that death was impending. Nothing was clean, not even our water. We were desperate and dirty with thirst unquenched. And then God takes us in. 

The King of the Universe adopts us.

Tim Keller gives an example which helps encapsulate this astonishing truth, “The only person who dares wake up a king at 3:00 AM for a glass of water is a child. We have that kind of access.” We are not only under the reign of the good King, but we are His kids. He loves us enough to personally care for our needs, to be present no matter the hour. His water is cold and clean. And He promises one day our thirst will be forever quenched. There will be ultimate rest, satisfaction, and joy for the children of the King. He has made us His heirs, His inheritance will be ours. 

This inheritance isn’t promised for just today or tomorrow, but forever. As C.S Lewis puts it, “…the cross comes before the crown and tomorrow is a Monday morning. A cleft has opened in the pitiless walls of the world, and we are invited to follow our great Captain inside.”* As we follow him, our paths will mirror that of Jesus, a path against the flow of culture, a path often marked by great cost. Even as our cheeks are stained from the brokenness of this fallen world, we must not forget: we are tucked in the arms of our Father, the King. We may not comprehend His workings, but we can trust His love. He promises to work all things – the wonderful and the terrible – for our good (Romans 8:28). 

“…and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.”

Romans 8:17

Friends, a crown is coming. Our inheritance will be in the presence of our Father. We belong to Him and will enjoy Him forever. 

Our future is certain because our Father loves us. We tinker in our 4×4 corner and know we occupy only a sliver of what God is doing for our good; his care for us is beyond what we can see and beyond what we can comprehend. 

He says, you are okay. Because I love you. 

*The Weight of Glory, page 45

These Anxious Humans

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Said the Robin to the Sparrow, 

“I should really like to know

Why these anxious human beings

Rush about and worry so.”

.

Said the Sparrow to the Robin, 

“Friend, I think that it must be

That they have no heavenly Father

Such as cares for you and me.”

Philip Howard

Motherhood has revealed in what my heart rests, and it is not what I thought. 

I find that my world is suddenly full–full of love and meaning; full of new worries and fears; and full of laundry piles and bursting diaper pails. As I care for my son, embracing all the new tasks and responsibilities, rest seems a fantasy. 

In this new world of motherhood, I can’t simply wait for the weekend or the arrival of “the next stage”. This new world strips away all imitations of rest to clearly show the reality of who was always there. I am learning to be buoyed by God and the rest He is ready to provide. 

My natural inclination each morning is to begin accomplishing tasks, instead of beginning in God’s presence. I choose to worry instead of casting my anxiety on Him. I pray most for sleep, instead of a heart that will seek His strength moment by moment. The flow of my days no longer has that self-validating pattern: work hard then rest. Mothers work hard and–even if in moments of relaxing–ever anticipate their baby waking and needing. Feeling the constant pull of chores half done and a racing mind are not outworkings of a woman who knows God’s love and trusts Him completely.

I realize that my old life’s pattern of productivity, organization, and crossing off the to-do list…to be rewarded with relaxation, only gave me a facade of rest. Motherhood is work never done. Motherhood is caring for a person’s body and soul. The weight of that can not be diminished by crossing it off a list. Motherhood laughs at self-sufficiency. Motherhood has shown me that to rest, I need to remember God’s love and I need to love and trust God first. 

I am learning that for my life to be one that trusts my God, I must be disciplined to remember what He has done and then surrender my days to Him. The love that pulls me to my child must only be an echo of the love that pulls me to my God. My heart quickly forgets that God is my greatest treasure. He cares about every detail – the hiccups in my days (and nights) and stressors I encounter are not a surprise to Him. When I am too tired, too emotionally depleted, and trying to care for my baby through tear-flooded eyes, he is there. All the good I want for my son pales in comparison to the good God wants for him and the good that God has already done. When I stop to think, there is nothing more beautiful, freeing, and restful than to surrender my exhaustion and anxieties to Him.

I am also learning to surrender the outcomes. Some babies cry more, sleep less, and all babies require our time and drastically change what we accomplish. Rest doesn’t come when the dishes are done, the baby is [finally] in bed or occupied enough for some sips of coffee. I am not meant to feel satisfied in the parenting wins or depressed by my feelings of parental incompetence. This great privilege of stewarding a life for God must bring us to Him. 

Elisabeth Elliot wrote: 

“He leads us right on, right through, right up to the threshold of Heaven. He does not say ever ‘Here it is.’ He says only “Here am I. fear not.” 

We can rest today and all of our tomorrows because God is faithful to complete His work in us. We can be certain of his love because Jesus went to the cross for us. He has held nothing back and His work for us is still happening when my kitchen is messy and it’s all I can manage just to feed my baby. He isn’t limited when I climb into bed and feel like I didn’t do enough. God simply wants my obedience to love my family through the strength and rest He is ready to give.

We see evidence of God’s care for us, not only in our salvation but in details of creation. Jesus himself reminds us of his provision: 

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.” (Matthew 6:15-32, ESV).

When I am tormented by the “what-ifs” and “should-haves” for my son, I can rest. God gave His son for mine to provide a way for eternity. No matter future joys or tragedies, God is present for the details of our lives. 

We rest because God is working and He loves us. 

“Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, you are of more value than many sparrows” (Luke 12:5-7).

“Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it finds its rest in thee.”

Saint Augustine

To mothers

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Seeing our baby on ultrasound is as clear in my mind today as in the moment. The detail of his brain, his small mouth – opening to suck his thumb – the perfection of his little fingers and toes, struck unprecedented awe in my heart and praise to God for this miracle. Having this joy to the backdrop of smoke and ash – reminding us of the forest fires and every other chaotic event happening in our world – made my heart even more thankful that God would give us this gift. Through this, he reminded me of his blessings, his goodness, and that he cares for every aspect of our lives. 

Dear mothers, I am beginning to see on a new level that much love is often accompanied by many worries. Even nestled in my womb, I am aware of what can go wrong for my baby. The one concerning/abnormal finding on the ultrasound has seized my heart and threatens my sleep and rest. 

And you mammas – who have children running about have more concerns than their physical wellbeing. They are not nestled in your womb or always in your home, but amidst the world projecting its values which are far from centered on Christ. I see the myriad of avenues for children to be exposed to so many horrors the world shamelessly embraces. I imagine the anxiety to protect children from what they might see or hear. 

I am finding that as the love for my unborn child grows, I can cling more desperately to what I want for his future more than I cling to Christ. Elisabeth Elliot simply puts what our response should be:

“Faith does not eliminate questions. But faith knows where to take them.”

Reading Psalm 139:13-16 has reminded me that nothing is hidden from God. He knows my deepest fears and the chasm that is often between the truth I know and what I feel. He reminds me that there is no area on this earth or in my mind where he is not. He details the care of our lives: 

“For you formed my inward parts;

    you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;

    my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,

    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

    the days that were formed for me,

    when as yet there was none of them.”

He not only oversees our development in utero, he knows our days before our birth. And he knows this for our children. 

This should encourage us. Our struggles and worries for our children are not a surprise to God. And if we want good things for our children – people who are imperfect and learning to love well, God will certainly give what is best: “how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” (Matthew 7:11). 

When my worries and lack of faith feel overwhelming, I am reminded that “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9).

When we feel overtaken with concern, God asks us to place those fears on him. He has shown us throughout scripture his goodness and faithfulness. And amidst the chaos around us, he reminds us of his goodness by giving unspeakable joy in everyday beauty; he allows us to see tiny toes and babes sucking their thumbs.

My prayer is that we seek God’s word, bring to him our worries, and cling to Christ above all else. 

100 rainbows

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My husband and I surfed on a sun-filled day but on a day that the waves still had their winter force. I paddled out past the breakpoint – intimidated by the waves’ heights. I found myself sitting on my board, watching the lines of waves travel towards land. I noticed how the off-shore wind met the waves at their break. The spray of water – with the sun – created beautiful rainbows. It was a precious reminder of God’s faithfulness – amid such strong forces and no facade of control, God reminds me that he is here. 

Sister, that journey around

its orbit opened

grief not yet known

.

A staccatoed forte

silenced life among

.

But sister see

the arch of color

.

The crescendoed waves

and shattering wind –

their collisions and breaks

trailed 100 rainbows

.

Sister, this moment’s journey 

sounds of a requiem

chanting to the drops of tears

.

A hold of chromatic notes

engulfs today 

.

But sister see

the arch of color

.

The crashing 100 waves

the splattering terror

composes pieces for 

100 rainbows

.

Sister, this journey forward

not marked by 

forgotten resilience

.

Sound the major shift 

to move your eyes

.

Sister see 

the arch of color

.

Waves are sure to crash 

wind and water

to hail tears 

.

They might take all 

.

But sister

know where to look

.

Your orbit around 

in the changes and torment

look to the Son

.

In the throws of waves 

He gives 100 rainbows

A Hospital Thanks

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Where God tears great gaps we should not try to fill them with human words. They should remain open. Our only comfort is in God of the resurrection, the father of our Lord Jesus Christ. 

Dietrich Bonhoeffer 

It is both tragic and beautiful that Grandpa lays just a door down from where Grandma breathed her last. Gathered at his bedside, we sit together. It is a great sorrow to watch earthly life ending, yet we see God’s goodness and provision for the man on his deathbed. 

We are stripped of Thanksgiving tradition – an overabundance of food, warmth, and leisure. But in this I am reminded of the wealth and treasure that we have in all circumstances. We have treasure beyond comfort and material items. As children of God we are thankful because we know our loved one’s labored, apnic breaths do not threaten infinite darkness. Rather they are a journey to the end of darkness. 

Jesus has conquered death. Through Him, our stories are not decided by the brokenness and sorrows of this life. Because of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross, I have certainty that Grandpa will soon be freed from the curse of this world – the aging of his body and the pain of having loved ones taken from life. A stroke has confiscated his brain but it has not taken his hope. 

“O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?” The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

1 Corinthians 15:55-57

This affliction of saying goodbye has reminded me of our true hope for the restoration of this world. That our pain is a product of sin – death’s wrongful disruption in God’s creation. We grieve this but are reminded that Jesus paid the price so that death is not our end.  

I am reminded that God’s timing is perfect. I selfishly want to keep Grandpa – to continue to have his company, wisdom, and love. But God knew his heartbreak in losing my Grandma. He knew his desire to be with her and be home in heaven. This catastrophic stroke was a stroke of God in his mercy. 

As I swallow that Grandpa’s journey home is now, I wonder why he doesn’t just take him. But I am reminded that God’s timing is perfect. He has given us beautiful moments in the waiting. 

I thank God that Grandpa was carried peacefully home. I thank Him for the days of waiting in a hospital room. Time to cherish family. To slow our pace. To remember that our greatest gratitude is for Jesus. 

Ordinary women: Mary’s song, my refrain

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And Mary said, “My soul magnifies the Lord,  and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,

for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant.

 For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed;

for he who is mighty has done great things for me,  and holy is his name.

And his mercy is for those who fear him from generation to generation.

He has shown strength with his arm; he has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts;

he has brought down the mighty from their thrones  and exalted those of humble estate;

he has filled the hungry with good things, and the rich he has sent away empty. 

He has helped his servant Israel, in remembrance of his mercy, 

as he spoke to our fathers, to Abraham and to his offspring forever.”

Luke 1:46-55

Father I am humbly broken – my endeavors and accomplishments are alone futile to providing purpose. Like Mary, help me rejoice that you have saved me and choose to work in unassuming people. Let me realize that my everyday disruptions or triumphs are part of your redemptive work. 

It is your grace and blessing that you choose to work in distracted and busy me. Help me embrace your will. 

I am a small soul in view of numerous generations. But I am not forgotten – in fact I am chosen. I am remembered and belong in your story.  Just like Abraham and Mary, I am yours. 

Your wandering, broken people are safe and purpose because you are merciful and faithful. 

Thank you for Mary. For using ordinary people for your miraculous and world-shaking intervention. 

Thank you for showing me that you use your people over and over throughout history for your purposes. 

Thank you that we are not forsaken or forgotten. 

Help me rejoice that you have saved me, and that you are saving the world. 

Defending friendship

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Friendship; some of life’s greatest sorrows and greatest joys share their origin. Our relationships can be life-giving or life-taking. What I am learning is that – while wisdom and discernment are important – how we share our lives is primarily about our relationship with Christ. As we yearn to devote all thoughts and works in submission to Jesus, so we must submit our friendships. 

1 Corinthians 12 discusses the body of Christ, and how each individual is invaluable and purposed by God. Verses 24-27 states: “But God has so composed the body giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together. Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it.” Hebrews 10 exhorts us to meet together: “Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.”

God calls us to live life in community. Community is more than just spending time together at church or having dinner, it requires that we share our joys, excitement, and dreams. We share our shame, torments, laments, and grief. We are meant to praise God in our triumphs, and cry out to God in our despair…together. God calls us to be His hands and feet and – through His strength – love sacrificially. 

Obedience to this is not without struggle. We will share our vulnerabilities, our doubts, and fears and those claiming Christ may condemn and shame us. Friends may fail to help carry our burdens, or heap new ones on us. Some wounds will be so deep they can inform our perceptions, making new friendships marked by hesitancy, fearing that we cannot fully trust. This is a great struggle in my heart, as I have been wounded by those I looked up to and confided in. I have witnessed beloved friends betrayed and suffer false accusations and spiteful gossip. These patterns of betrayal and bitterness often end unresolved – the hurter refusing to reconcile, leaving the hurting deserted to deal with the aftermath. How can vulnerability be worth it? 

But friends, Jesus did not hold back. He gave everything for you and me – even when friends denied and betrayed him. Past hurts should not be the measure of our obedience to share our lives with others. It is because of Christ’s love, His faithfulness, and His sacrifice that we can cast our burdens on one another, we can be vulnerable because we trust Him. God chooses to work in our broken lives and through our brokenness. Christian community is not characterized by a lack of hardship or hurt, but by a people who remember the grace and forgiveness they have been given and trust God as they extend that grace to love and forgive each other. We must not close ourselves to God’s design for us out of fear and cynicism. When friends fail us, we can turn to him who will hold us and sustain us. 

Past hurts should not be the measure of our obedience to share our lives with others. It is because of Christ’s love, His faithfulness, and His sacrifice that we can cast our burdens on one another, we can be vulnerable because we trust Him.

Obedience to this is not without joy. God’s blessings and provisions of marriage, births, employment, and healing bring delight and celebration. Rich friendships bless us with wisdom, insight, and accountability. They encourage our hearts and point us to Christ. Others’ insights to art, history, and science allow us to see the nuances, beauty, and meaning in God’s creation. Studying his word together, we see how God speaks to all people in all circumstances. He has made us different so together we might see the perfect, creative, and expansive facets of his design.

Let us sit together in sadness, hold each other through anxiety, faithfully pray, encourage, challenge and speak truth. Let us persevere to know each other well, that we might share the joys of God’s provisions and see Christ more clearly. We are known by God and still loved. And we can trust God as we share our lives with each other.