Advent: homes & hearts reoriented

In one distinct childhood memory, my father strings white icicle lights around the roof of our home. I still feel the cold air cooling in obedience to dusk. I remember the shimmer against a blanket of darkness that sent a shiver of wonder and joy through me.


As an adult, my home is adorned with lights still shimmering in the darkness, I return to that childhood joy again. Even in secular society, lights glisten through main streets and homes. No matter our beliefs, people are stirred by the contrast of light amidst the darkness. The God who fashioned the most intricate, imaginative, and rousing landscapes made us to enjoy and create beauty. 

As Christians, the stringing of lights carries much more meaning than simply beauty or childlike wonder. We are reminded with every string of lights that Christ is the Light in darkness. He is our Light on the darkest of days. 

As we prepare for Christmas, we are remembering the world that waited for her savior. We dedicate this time to reflect and celebrate God fulfilling His promise of a Messiah. But this looking back should also propel us forward. We carry the already-fulfilled promises as reminders that our whole lives are still waiting for the final restoration of the world. Our lives are in dedication to Him in anticipation of the ultimate promise: that we will reside in His presence forever – where His work in us is completed and where He ensured freedom from every sorrow.

During Advent, we renew our minds with the prophecies of the Old Testament. We see God working in the most unexpected and broken people. This should give us great joy and unshakable hope. We should realize that we – in our broken, mundane lives – are part of God’s continued redemptive story. 

Our celebration and traditions should be used in such a way that our hearts are stirred and minds renewed. In a whirl of “holiday” excitement, we must choose to orient our homes to that which only magnifies Jesus. This takes disciplined intentionality. Our traditions – lights, evergreen trees, gifts – should not be driven by a secular season, but to celebrate and reveal the Messiah. He is the light of the world. He is everlasting and does not change like the seasons. Out of receiving the greatest gift of Jesus taking our place in judgment we give and love others freely. 

Our traditions – lights, evergreen trees, gifts – should not be driven by a secular season, but to celebrate and reveal the Messiah.

This December, slow down. Let your eyes gaze upon the lights and remember our true Light. Ask how a tree illuminates Jesus. Give from an overflowing of gratitude and joy for Christ’s grace on us. Our decor, actions, meditations, and speech, can point family, friends, and neighbors to Christ’s character, accomplished promises and those promises we still anticipate. 

In a Christmas sermon, Dietrich Bonhoeffer said, “The celebration of Advent is possible only to those who are troubled in soul, who know themselves to be poor and imperfect, who look forward to something greater to come. For those, it is enough to wait in humble fear until the Holy One himself comes down to us, God in the child in the manger. God comes. The Lord Jesus comes. Christmas comes. Christians rejoice.”

So friends, in this joyous season mixed with lingering sorrows, remember: Christ is coming again. 

A Hospital Thanks

Where God tears great gaps we should not try to fill them with human words. They should remain open. Our only comfort is in God of the resurrection, the father of our Lord Jesus Christ. 

Dietrich Bonhoeffer 

It is both tragic and beautiful that Grandpa lays just a door down from where Grandma breathed her last. Gathered at his bedside, we sit together. It is a great sorrow to watch earthly life ending, yet we see God’s goodness and provision for the man on his deathbed. 

We are stripped of Thanksgiving tradition – an overabundance of food, warmth, and leisure. But in this I am reminded of the wealth and treasure that we have in all circumstances. We have treasure beyond comfort and material items. As children of God we are thankful because we know our loved one’s labored, apnic breaths do not threaten infinite darkness. Rather they are a journey to the end of darkness. 

Jesus has conquered death. Through Him, our stories are not decided by the brokenness and sorrows of this life. Because of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross, I have certainty that Grandpa will soon be freed from the curse of this world – the aging of his body and the pain of having loved ones taken from life. A stroke has confiscated his brain but it has not taken his hope. 

“O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?” The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

1 Corinthians 15:55-57

This affliction of saying goodbye has reminded me of our true hope for the restoration of this world. That our pain is a product of sin – death’s wrongful disruption in God’s creation. We grieve this but are reminded that Jesus paid the price so that death is not our end.  

I am reminded that God’s timing is perfect. I selfishly want to keep Grandpa – to continue to have his company, wisdom, and love. But God knew his heartbreak in losing my Grandma. He knew his desire to be with her and be home in heaven. This catastrophic stroke was a stroke of God in his mercy. 

As I swallow that Grandpa’s journey home is now, I wonder why he doesn’t just take him. But I am reminded that God’s timing is perfect. He has given us beautiful moments in the waiting. 


I thank God that Grandpa was carried peacefully home. I thank Him for the days of waiting in a hospital room. Time to cherish family. To slow our pace. To remember that our greatest gratitude is for Jesus. 

Ordinary women: Mary’s song, my refrain

And Mary said, “My soul magnifies the Lord,  and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,

for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant.

 For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed;

for he who is mighty has done great things for me,  and holy is his name.

And his mercy is for those who fear him from generation to generation.

He has shown strength with his arm; he has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts;

he has brought down the mighty from their thrones  and exalted those of humble estate;

he has filled the hungry with good things, and the rich he has sent away empty. 

He has helped his servant Israel, in remembrance of his mercy, 

as he spoke to our fathers, to Abraham and to his offspring forever.”

Luke 1:46-55

Father I am humbly broken – my endeavors and accomplishments are alone futile to providing purpose. Like Mary, help me rejoice that you have saved me and choose to work in unassuming people. Let me realize that my everyday disruptions or triumphs are part of your redemptive work. 

It is your grace and blessing that you choose to work in distracted and busy me. Help me embrace your will. 

I am a small soul in view of numerous generations. But I am not forgotten – in fact I am chosen. I am remembered and belong in your story.  Just like Abraham and Mary, I am yours. 

Your wandering, broken people are safe and purpose because you are merciful and faithful. 

Thank you for Mary. For using ordinary people for your miraculous and world-shaking intervention. 

Thank you for showing me that you use your people over and over throughout history for your purposes. 

Thank you that we are not forsaken or forgotten. 

Help me rejoice that you have saved me, and that you are saving the world. 


Defending friendship

Friendship; some of life’s greatest sorrows and greatest joys share their origin. Our relationships can be life-giving or life-taking. What I am learning is that – while wisdom and discernment are important – how we share our lives is primarily about our relationship with Christ. As we yearn to devote all thoughts and works in submission to Jesus, so we must submit our friendships. 

1 Corinthians 12 discusses the body of Christ, and how each individual is invaluable and purposed by God. Verses 24-27 states: “But God has so composed the body giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together. Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it.” Hebrews 10 exhorts us to meet together: “Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.”

God calls us to live life in community. Community is more than just spending time together at church or having dinner, it requires that we share our joys, excitement, and dreams. We share our shame, torments, laments, and grief. We are meant to praise God in our triumphs, and cry out to God in our despair…together. God calls us to be His hands and feet and – through His strength – love sacrificially. 

Obedience to this is not without struggle. We will share our vulnerabilities, our doubts, and fears and those claiming Christ may condemn and shame us. Friends may fail to help carry our burdens, or heap new ones on us. Some wounds will be so deep they can inform our perceptions, making new friendships marked by hesitancy, fearing that we cannot fully trust. This is a great struggle in my heart, as I have been wounded by those I looked up to and confided in. I have witnessed beloved friends betrayed and suffer false accusations and spiteful gossip. These patterns of betrayal and bitterness often end unresolved – the hurter refusing to reconcile, leaving the hurting deserted to deal with the aftermath. How can vulnerability be worth it? 

But friends, Jesus did not hold back. He gave everything for you and me – even when friends denied and betrayed him. Past hurts should not be the measure of our obedience to share our lives with others. It is because of Christ’s love, His faithfulness, and His sacrifice that we can cast our burdens on one another, we can be vulnerable because we trust Him. God chooses to work in our broken lives and through our brokenness. Christian community is not characterized by a lack of hardship or hurt, but by a people who remember the grace and forgiveness they have been given and trust God as they extend that grace to love and forgive each other. We must not close ourselves to God’s design for us out of fear and cynicism. When friends fail us, we can turn to him who will hold us and sustain us. 

Past hurts should not be the measure of our obedience to share our lives with others. It is because of Christ’s love, His faithfulness, and His sacrifice that we can cast our burdens on one another, we can be vulnerable because we trust Him.

Obedience to this is not without joy. God’s blessings and provisions of marriage, births, employment, and healing bring delight and celebration. Rich friendships bless us with wisdom, insight, and accountability. They encourage our hearts and point us to Christ. Others’ insights to art, history, and science allow us to see the nuances, beauty, and meaning in God’s creation. Studying his word together, we see how God speaks to all people in all circumstances. He has made us different so together we might see the perfect, creative, and expansive facets of his design.

Let us sit together in sadness, hold each other through anxiety, faithfully pray, encourage, challenge and speak truth. Let us persevere to know each other well, that we might share the joys of God’s provisions and see Christ more clearly. We are known by God and still loved. And we can trust God as we share our lives with each other.

talking to myself

I feel as though I am floundering – exhausted by effort and discouraged
by my complacency. My only hope is to renew my mind in the promises of the Gospel.
Here I share my thoughts and prayers.

We can trust God’s sovereign goodness and faithfulness in all life circumstances. There is beauty and purpose in all things because God has paid the ultimate price for us. His love has secured His good plan for us who are his children. There is no alternate plan – this is it. Turn to him in times of tears, frustration, anxiety, and disappointment. Turn to Him during celebration, peace, and contentment. We hold that He is with us through it all. His love for us is not dependent on our faithfulness. He is not deterred by our fickle hearts; he is constant. We cannot do this life without His strength – both in good times and bad; he is our perfect rest and peace. 

I repent my anxiety. I repent my stubborn complacency to seek all other things for fulfillment and peace. Alone I cannot release the facade of control to which I desperately cling. What I desire is to be surrendered to what I believe is truth: That I am not my own. I belongs to you who purchased me at greatest cost. My tasks before me are purposeful and designed. Every season is ordained and glorifying to you. I can rest in all circumstances because I am not my own. What I love and what I fear is in your hands who is unchanging and acts not because of me, but because of your own character. Rid me of my self-orientation and teach me to love and seek you above all else. 

In the day of prosperity be joyful, and in the day of adversity consider: God has made one as well as the other…

Ecclesiastes 7:15

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Philippians 1:6

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Hebrews 3:18

Red; a poem

I hear red.

Vacant words

tunneling deep.

.

I tast red.

Sour truths

lingering still.

.

I see red.

Piercing cuts

remaining raw.

.

Remember red.

Flogs unjust

a silent sky.

.

Remember red.

Freely spilled

the crux of life.

.

Remember red.

Once for all

sting left behind.


In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ.

Ephesians 1:7-9

tear stained faces; a poem

There is a mark of life

-rooted green-

grown in perfect presence

.

Our tears will soon be gone

.

That defying choice

-dividing flames to death-

this is not our end

.

Our tears will soon be gone

.

A mark of grace

-innocence on a tree-

forever paid our redemption

.

Our tears will soon be gone

.

By this we find

new birth, new longings

for our true country

.

Our tears will soon be gone

.

Look for that dawn

-the finale of our story-

To the rooted green and crystal river

.

Our tears will soon be gone

.

We will enter,

our tear-stained faces

wiped away to bask in His glory

.

Our tears will soon be gone

.

We again will see

the mark of life

Now lined in perfect presence

.

Our tears will be forever gone

.

Flames will never again divide

One life ensured

our perfect peace

.

White Water; a poem

 

Soul,

tumbling under treacherous tides

striving for still waters.

 

Uncertainty undermining rest –

searching for knowledge;

release from white water.

 

No one can escape the end.

The rich receive rainfall and rough winds

as certainly as societies’ contemptible.

And still the honest receive the same storm as these.

 

Searching for still waters.

The answer found

engulfed in greatest depths.

 

Miraculously surfaced,

unbound by white water.

 

Rest, for all souls.

all things new

“The more things change, the more they stay the same.” – Sidney Greidanus

The paradox of this line reverberates a truth I see too much as a nurse. The more patients we admit, treat, and discharge, the more I realize that we are in a perpetual cycle. More CHF, more pneumonia, more re-admissions. With new evidence and research, we get better at treatment and identifying problems sooner, but – without fail – hospital census remains high, our beds full.

Healthcare workers are perhaps privileged to see an up-close example of the unchanged human condition and the reality of our world.

Even as our world becomes more connected and progressive, we still have the problems seen throughout history: genocides, abandonment, hunger, and sickness. In our modern world, we address problems different from our history. We have the Geneva Convention and specific laws for international warfare. We have both Child and Adult Protective Services. We have vaccinations and modern medicine. In a way, this is incredible progress. But these interventions are necessary because the fact remains: life on our planet has not really changed. Those with power will abuse it and oppress others for gain. People are prone to prejudice and capable of neglecting those in need. And sickness – no matter how advanced our technology – still causes suffering and death. And with our advances, we have also added equal ethical dilemmas. New life-saving medications are only accessed through significant financial means or the right insurance coverage. Cars come with accidents. International air travel could be a means of terrorist plots. The foster system, designed to care for abandoned children, can also be a place of more abuse and neglect. As we address problems, there is an interwoven complexity of new potential problems.

Ecclesiastes 1:2-11 opens with a poem that expresses the sediment I feel today.

Vanity of vanities, says the Preacher,

vanity of vanities! All is vanity.

What does man gain by all the toil

at which he toils under the sun?

A generation goes, and a generation comes,

but the earth remains forever.

The sun rises, and the sun goes down,

and hastens to the place where it rises.

The wind blows to the south

and goes around to the north;

around and around goes the wind,

and on its circuits the wind returns.

All streams run to the sea,

but the sea is not full;

to the place where the streams flow,

there they flow again.

All things are full of weariness;

a man cannot utter it;

the eye is not satisfied with seeing,

nor the ear filled with hearing.

What has been is what will be,

and what has been done is what will be done,

and there is nothing new under the sun.

Is there a thing of which it is said,

“See, this is new”?

It has been already

in the ages before us.

There is no remembrance of former things,

nor will there be any remembrance

of later things yet to be

among those who come after.

The author of this book – from the ancient world – pours out his heart and his wrestling to which speak to us in the 21st century. The more life changes, the more it stays the same. Life in 2019 is drastically changed from the ancient world, but we as people, our problems, our worries, and our search for a purpose are fundamentally the same.

But if we stop here in Ecclesiastes, we miss the point and beauty of this book. This book teases out the blessings of life, and how without God, they are simply toil and meaningless.

This means that that pattern we observe is not all that there is. History is not merely a cycle of changing, it is the story of God’s redemptive plan.

We are not left on earth to simply pursue what pleasure we can and dodge suffering, we were meant to share the biggest event, the most radical change in all human history. God sent Jesus into our actual historical timeline to answer for suffering and to redeem every square inch of creation.

Sidney Greidanus writes, “As the redemptive history progresses, therefore, there are new events, new realities, and new hopes that God will make all things new. Although people gain nothing from all their toil apart from God, through Jesus Christ there is much to be gained from our toil.”

I stated earlier that healthcare workers are privileged to see an up-close example of the unchanged human condition. We must confront more quickly how depressing and cyclical this life can be on its own. We see the same sufferings and literally the same patients over and over who are dying a slow death from their afflicted chronic illnesses. Often these patients come to us for a patch-up job, just enough to go to a skilled nursing inpatient facility until the next hospital re-admission. They continue with every medical option available because they are tormented by the thought of death.

As Christians, we were meant to share the biggest historical event. We are meant to share that Jesus paid the price for our sin, the precursor to our suffering. We are meant to share that this life is not meaningless, but that we are called to live God’s love for people. We are meant to share the good news that this suffering we see was not God’s intention for creation, but that God uses our suffering to draw us to himself. We are meant to share that one day, all things will be new.

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away” (Revelation 21:4).

Let our co-workers and patients see that we do not cope through jaded cynicism or compartmentalization. Let them see how deep we mourn the sufferings of this world. And let them see how our sufferings cause us to turn to Jesus who gives meaning and hope that transcends our circumstances.


“You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn into joy. When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world. So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you. “

John 16: 20-22

coping with hearts; remembering personhood

There is a tangible toll on those who are daily immersed in the suffering of others.

Hospitalization is rarely a result of planned procedures. Trauma and sickness are never convenient. Nurses arrive to work with the opportunity to walk with patients and families as they face uncertainty and emotional turmoil. Nurses bear the anxiety that proliferates with every poorly trending lab value or vital sign; they mediate family dynamics and pain that present themselves in crisis; they fight for the wellbeing of the lives in their care.

Some patients and families are grateful. Others are not.

The darkness of human nature is quickly revealed in times of fear and loss of control. Patients are at the expense of medical intervention and their time to the flow of hospital procedures. Too often entitled and inappropriate behavior dominate the day. Entering a room may open the door to objectifying language and reaching hands; to screams of obscenities over something of no consequence; to family members whose actions may uncover motives that are beyond ethically gray.

One patient will trigger the weight of countless hard experiences. Upon discharge, a homeless woman will need insulin, a high-risk medication if administered incorrectly. She is encouraged to use some of her 2,000 dollars, collected every month from social security and disability, to buy a prepaid cell phone that could be used for emergencies. This advice is ridiculous in the eyes of the woman; she demands the hospital pays for her cell phone. A married man – as soon as his wife exits the room – continually tells the bedside nurse that he should come home with her and take her husband’s place. A young patient with an infection in his heart is found crushing narcotic pills and secretly flushing them through his intravenous catheter, undoubtedly making his infection worse. This young patient, having left the hospital against medical advice the week before, leaves again – likely to continue his known drug habit and return to the hospital in worse condition. An old woman lay in the hospital bed, her breathing apneic; she could die between any breath. The old woman’s daughter refuses to put her on hospice and be made comfortable, stating: “I just need her to live until next month so I can get her social security check. When I was a child, she never had compassion for me when I was in pain. Now she knows what that feels like.”

These memories wear on hearts and minds. It is much easier to remember appalling situations than those that are considered polite and acceptable. These memories grow like wild blackberry shoots which are difficult to eradicate or even suppress. Its brambles begin to choke out good and beautiful memories. It becomes easier to treat the illness and not the person. It also becomes easier for caregivers to avoid their own heart.  

The confrontation with human depravity is not just seen in the hearts of others, but can be reflected in the heart of the caregiver. The simplest way to cope is for front-line staff to become numb to the suffering they engage. Patients can become tasks; the temptation is to check off isolated cares and treat diagnoses without having to think and feel the weight of how it is affecting each individual person’s life.

The greatest toll on those that are daily immersed in others’ suffering is to see the weakness and complacency her own heart. It creeps up unexpectedly and deconstructs the idealistic framework that believes – with the right ethical principles – humans can engage perfectly every single time. While this realization is exhausting, it is perhaps the most beautiful. Service should never be out of self-mustered strength. It is not out of labels of being the “wisest” or “most compassionate.” It is because of Christ and His work in broken hearts: “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” (Philippians 1:6).

Christian scholar, Nancy Pearcey writes:

“The problem is that many people treat morality as a list of rules. But in reality, every moral system rests on a worldview. In every decision we make, we are not just deciding what we want to do. We are expressing our view of the purpose of human life.”

For followers of Christ, patient care must be informed by a Christian worldview if there is any hope of escaping either burn-out or cynicism.  

The Gospel shows how cherished human life is. Each person has intrinsic dignity and worth because they are made in the image of God. Jesus’ example of deep love, service, and sacrifice prompts those same actions to others.

When confronted with the reality of human hearts, the only answer is to cling to Christ. Only He can permeate broken hearts to fully engage this world. Often it is easy for beliefs to remain strong intellectually but not lived out in the day-to-day mess.

His work is the balm to burnout. He gives life to love well; to not just see the diagnosis and lists of tasks, but to see the person, who – regardless of voiced thank yous or screamed obscenities – was created by the God who made all life and offers salvation to all life through His own sacrifice.

For those that feel tension and toll between heart and mind, it should be an encouragement. It demonstrates that coping is not through sheer numbness.

Cling to truth and through Christ’s strength do each task remembering the personhood of each patient. With Him, there will be fruit amidst thistles.


“‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with my weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).